Tuesday, July 22, 2003
I miss him. Not talking to him and saying goodnight to him Sunday night ate at me all day yesterday, but thankfully I got to talk to him last night. But it hurt too--he had a rough day, and here I am 700 miles away and I can't do a whole lot. Except pray. I want to go back to my past journals, to compare some of my thoughts and feelings now to what I was going through then because I don't remember missing daniel or chad like this. Josh is bringing out the sap in me too. My emotions were sort of dead with daniel, and chad--it was high school, I don't know still. This feels so different, so much better, so much more real, and I want it so much more. with the other two i do remember praying for God's will to be done. With Josh, I'm praying that God's will is for it to work. I can handle it if it's not, but I want God's will to be Josh. i laugh every time he goes "we" to refer to himself, because I somehow have this connection of Josh and the person that I pray for, that person God promised to me and that every once in awhile I ask God to send a hug or a kiss would make the "we" . Hmm, that really doesn't make sense, but than, it does to me and this is only for me.
it's also different in that it feels like we have so much time. there isn't a need to rush anything. i love discovering things about him--like the fact that he has some of the same distates (mayo and cottage cheese) that i do. or finding out that he wants to work with youth. and he suprised me by emailing me two letters thus far. He communicates! and he's got a romantic touch to him. It's a funny romantic touch, cute :-) It's a very Scholl sort of romantic sweetness. (*hopes to have saved IM's and emails to reference in the future if i ever read back over this*)
i have my fears. fears mostly about my feelings. that's one good thing though that might come out of his being gone for two weeks is that I have time to evaluate this more. as I have realized in just the last three days that I miss him. or fears that he will lose interest in me, that I won't be what he needs.
and i have this feeling that i am getting my story. i've always wanted a fun, romantic story for a relationship that leads to well, marriage, and I think this could be the one.
i worry also about fading out of other friendships. I don't want to be one who disappears because I have a boyfriend.
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it's also different in that it feels like we have so much time. there isn't a need to rush anything. i love discovering things about him--like the fact that he has some of the same distates (mayo and cottage cheese) that i do. or finding out that he wants to work with youth. and he suprised me by emailing me two letters thus far. He communicates! and he's got a romantic touch to him. It's a funny romantic touch, cute :-) It's a very Scholl sort of romantic sweetness. (*hopes to have saved IM's and emails to reference in the future if i ever read back over this*)
i have my fears. fears mostly about my feelings. that's one good thing though that might come out of his being gone for two weeks is that I have time to evaluate this more. as I have realized in just the last three days that I miss him. or fears that he will lose interest in me, that I won't be what he needs.
and i have this feeling that i am getting my story. i've always wanted a fun, romantic story for a relationship that leads to well, marriage, and I think this could be the one.
i worry also about fading out of other friendships. I don't want to be one who disappears because I have a boyfriend.
0 comments
