Monday, August 18, 2003
so i go through my up times, and than i get to the down times again where it's hard to believe in myself and to have hope, it's hardest to fight the desire to run away and give up. I get tired of thinking, thinking, thinking.
The uncertainty of what to do as a Christian. I broke school rules this summer. I never did anything else wrong in doing so and I don't regret having fun, it was worth it really. I just hate that I had to break rules in doing so. Is it a sin to disobey rules? Yesterday was the first time that I didn't feel I could honestly take communion. Am I where I am supposed to be? and the complications of confessing to actual administration or something--especially because other people are involved and as an "IMPACT leader" who is held to higher standards. *sidenote* sometimes I get the feeling that they treat us as if we're "better" than everyone else. . . maybe it's just my imagination, but than they also seem to underestimate us.
and I smile as i think on it, we've traded "I love you"s. I again suspect his feelings are stronger, more solid than mine. I'm unsure of myself. But I do still know that I want to fight for this one. I choose to love this one.
and there's everthing about the honors stuff. Jonathan and someone--either myself or the other anna, being selected to the committee. Wanting to get more power to the students. the feel of politics all around me. using people. behind the scenes control and manipulation. necessary evil. like war.
it's a heavy thing to be a human and living in this world. i want easy responsibility. i'm afraid of commitment. i'm afraid of letting people down. I know God is in control. but I still keep thinking and planning as if I am in control. I justify by saying "preparing myself for anything". God did give us a mind to use and reason.
here i go again. here WE go again.
0 comments
The uncertainty of what to do as a Christian. I broke school rules this summer. I never did anything else wrong in doing so and I don't regret having fun, it was worth it really. I just hate that I had to break rules in doing so. Is it a sin to disobey rules? Yesterday was the first time that I didn't feel I could honestly take communion. Am I where I am supposed to be? and the complications of confessing to actual administration or something--especially because other people are involved and as an "IMPACT leader" who is held to higher standards. *sidenote* sometimes I get the feeling that they treat us as if we're "better" than everyone else. . . maybe it's just my imagination, but than they also seem to underestimate us.
and I smile as i think on it, we've traded "I love you"s. I again suspect his feelings are stronger, more solid than mine. I'm unsure of myself. But I do still know that I want to fight for this one. I choose to love this one.
and there's everthing about the honors stuff. Jonathan and someone--either myself or the other anna, being selected to the committee. Wanting to get more power to the students. the feel of politics all around me. using people. behind the scenes control and manipulation. necessary evil. like war.
it's a heavy thing to be a human and living in this world. i want easy responsibility. i'm afraid of commitment. i'm afraid of letting people down. I know God is in control. but I still keep thinking and planning as if I am in control. I justify by saying "preparing myself for anything". God did give us a mind to use and reason.
here i go again. here WE go again.
0 comments
