Sunday, April 18, 2004
Hmm. There seem to be new blogger settings.
Anyways. Various thoughts weigh on my mind while the day has been quite nice, mostly being a bum. I woke up this morning from a dream where I was dying and it was quite unpleasant. I felt pain and I felt how I kept losing more and more breath but I was concious so that I felt the need to post on my blog about dying and how much I loved everybody. How I was sorry to be doing this to them. I didn't want to die for the sake of my friends. It took me a bit to shake off the fear that something was actually wrong with me (like my heart) after waking up. Especially because my heart was not pounding fast when I woke up. It was pounding, but hard and slow.
Lisl made a post last night about LFGH and such stuff. It was a good post and it made me smile to see how far the group has come. She sent out some thanks to various persons and it kind of egged on me that I wasn't on the list as one of the intial helpers. I try to say "oh well" but it is hard. I wonder if she really remembers that I was her friend once upon a time. I don't know that I wanted to see my name there as a matter of pride. More as a matter that she remembers me in some sort of positive light. It still doesn't sound or feel right saying it like that. She doesn't even say hello when I pass by or she comes to find Lily or someone. I want to cry. Somehow a breakdown doesn't seem too far away. But we'll see. It's so hard having to bear the death of a friendship like this, like the Plankeye song's ("Goodbye") last words..."death takes many forms."
0 comments
Anyways. Various thoughts weigh on my mind while the day has been quite nice, mostly being a bum. I woke up this morning from a dream where I was dying and it was quite unpleasant. I felt pain and I felt how I kept losing more and more breath but I was concious so that I felt the need to post on my blog about dying and how much I loved everybody. How I was sorry to be doing this to them. I didn't want to die for the sake of my friends. It took me a bit to shake off the fear that something was actually wrong with me (like my heart) after waking up. Especially because my heart was not pounding fast when I woke up. It was pounding, but hard and slow.
Lisl made a post last night about LFGH and such stuff. It was a good post and it made me smile to see how far the group has come. She sent out some thanks to various persons and it kind of egged on me that I wasn't on the list as one of the intial helpers. I try to say "oh well" but it is hard. I wonder if she really remembers that I was her friend once upon a time. I don't know that I wanted to see my name there as a matter of pride. More as a matter that she remembers me in some sort of positive light. It still doesn't sound or feel right saying it like that. She doesn't even say hello when I pass by or she comes to find Lily or someone. I want to cry. Somehow a breakdown doesn't seem too far away. But we'll see. It's so hard having to bear the death of a friendship like this, like the Plankeye song's ("Goodbye") last words..."death takes many forms."
0 comments
