Monday, July 05, 2004
Another night of thought shadows.
It's that feeling again of...deadness, the walking zombie. Maybe I just need time to myself again. Rather, it probably has to do with my lack of spiritual discipline. It's the feeling of just going through the motions, giving people what they want of me. But it's harder now with Josh. I feel guilty about just doing stuff to do stuff when it relates with him. Heh, it's the same with God--not same, rather deeper. At least it should be. It's not like I want a feeling necessarily--it's just that sense of something missing. The feeling of being a cold stone--selfish and uncaring. But yet I do care.
A reminder that life isn't perfect, as good as it seems to be right now. Maybe it's the fact that there still exists a lack of forgiveness on my part towards rica and sam. i don't know exactly why--i do hold on to a grudge like I shouldn't. Feeling like Naomi again. I feel like the odd gal out amongst my family. In a way I am. I feel incabable so often of so many things; I constantly feel the need to prove myself.
I could sit here and just keep thinking, typing, thinkin. I think I'll just work on other stuff now. This will probably pass again...but what am I supposed to do? What am I missing or denying?
0 comments
It's that feeling again of...deadness, the walking zombie. Maybe I just need time to myself again. Rather, it probably has to do with my lack of spiritual discipline. It's the feeling of just going through the motions, giving people what they want of me. But it's harder now with Josh. I feel guilty about just doing stuff to do stuff when it relates with him. Heh, it's the same with God--not same, rather deeper. At least it should be. It's not like I want a feeling necessarily--it's just that sense of something missing. The feeling of being a cold stone--selfish and uncaring. But yet I do care.
A reminder that life isn't perfect, as good as it seems to be right now. Maybe it's the fact that there still exists a lack of forgiveness on my part towards rica and sam. i don't know exactly why--i do hold on to a grudge like I shouldn't. Feeling like Naomi again. I feel like the odd gal out amongst my family. In a way I am. I feel incabable so often of so many things; I constantly feel the need to prove myself.
I could sit here and just keep thinking, typing, thinkin. I think I'll just work on other stuff now. This will probably pass again...but what am I supposed to do? What am I missing or denying?
0 comments
